I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
