**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
