Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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