The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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