i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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