Me. At least after what I've been through.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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