What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
