you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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