Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
