3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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