absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
