Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
