So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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