I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
