I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
