Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
