so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
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She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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