if i can run in heels then i can drive
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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