I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
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I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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