She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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