She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
