just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
