Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
