Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
