Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
