i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
