did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
