does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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