You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
