fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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