I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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