would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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