Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
