Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm too high and old for this...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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