He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
