i just wanna soil my oats bro
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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