i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
