I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
