Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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