mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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