dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
