She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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