My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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