I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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