the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
