i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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