1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
please don't ironically join a cult
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