my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
