cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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