i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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