Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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