I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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