I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You took a bar mat shot.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
