Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
