Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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