he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
