i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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