So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
