Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Terrible idea I love it
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
